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Steven Chronicles

Volume 1

Steven told me that crank is the dirtiest drug. And Steven told me that it's made out of househole cleaners. And Steven told me that there were shootings in the playground. And Steven told me that his mom told him not to go there, but he went anyway. And Steven told me that he and his friends used to play G.I. Joes on the playground and when one would "die" they would bury them. And then they would play later and dig up the previously "dead" guys. And Steven told me that girls have to be at most 3 years younger than the guy to have sex with them but Steven said that it only applies if she gets pregant or gets a disease. And Steven said that blowjobs are illegal in the state of Washington. And Steven said that if both parties are 16, which is the age of consent, then no laws about sex apply. And Steven used to live in the ghetto because there dirt lots near his house where he learned about drugs. And Steven said that he should be a professor at a college and just tell students all about everything he know. And Steven said that he should record himself talking so he could test his students, but Steven said that he'd probably only ask stupid questions, so all his students would get A's. And Steven said that only hot girls who thought he was attractive would be allowed in his class. And Steven said that anyone who wanted to be in his class would have to take a questionaire and if they didn't fit the qualities he said before, they wouldn't be allowed in...

Volume Two

Steven said that if both partners shave, it makes the experience increase 10 fold! Steven also said that it makes the guy appear larger. Steven said that skin-on-skin is better than skin-on-brillo pad. And Steven said that hair is at least 1 inch long, therefore, the penis would appear at least 1 inch longer. And Steven said that old people should transplant the hair on their ass to their head, since it would fall off their head and it grows more on their ass.

Volume Three

Steven told me that MATT IS AN IDIOT. And Steven told me that his little whale, Lardo, does not move, he creates a vortex and shifts space around himself, thus, it appears to everything else that Lardo is flying. And Steven told me that no one questions him. And Steven said that Lardo is the greatest being, second to himself. And Steven told me that his genes (those of the super-human) were spliced with those of a whale to make a really big Steven, but Lardo came out. And Steven says that next time they try to make a big Steven, his genes (those of the super-human) will be spliced with those of a gorilla. Then Steven told us that Lardo is in fact a rubber toy which he got in Natural Helpers and he just likes to make up stories about it, thus letting all of us down. And Steven says that Kurt Angle ROCKS. And Steven says the undertaker is old, but that's because he really is. The Steven blend consists of crack, herion, crank, Marijuana and some regular cleaner.

Volume Four

Steven says that women don't date gynocologists. And Steven says that reversable sheets should be invented and he says there should be a layer in between to keep the smell insides. Steven says women should wear underwear with tampons already in them so as soon as they start their period it just goes right in and the girls don't have to worry about it.

Volume Five

Steven says that if you feed Alka-seltzer to sea gulls their guts will explode. And Steven says that for some reason they can tell the difference between rocks and food, but not Alka-seltzer and food. And Steven says that sea gulls will eat anything that you throw, except rocks. And Steven and his brother wanted to kill the sea gulls because they would poop all over the sidewalk

Volume Six

Steven is campaigning to be Principal of Skyline High School. He says this school is messed up under Mrs. Peterson, so he will mold it into his own form, a dictatorship. There will be a 1000 feet tall statue of himself made of pure aluminum from melted down pop tabs. He has appointed Tony as his thug, a thugee, Matt as his yes-man, Luap as his court jester, Jared as his Royal Squire. On the 30th of every month, Steven will hold witch hunts resulting in hangings and burnings, it's a family event. The ceiling of the commons will be painted as the Systine Chapel, only with Stevens. Trevor is the insignificant peon, who for sure is hard at work in his little cottage. Matt has now also been appointed artist, Diana has been appointed Secretary. Steven is no longer campaigning, he will be announcing his take over of the school. The school has been declared Steven's own country so he can make his own laws. All students must live on school campus - as a military base. Steven will now be known as SS or Double S. Steven has made a law which states all girls must share all body parts except their heads. Teachers which Steven doesn't like will have to duel with a lion, all they get is a fork and a butter knife. All guys are allowed two girlfriends, Steven is allowed 400 girlfriends, but he can break the rules. Steven is allowed to revise all laws for himself. Steven's army will consist of the preschoolers downstairs. All students must have an STD test and those who are positive will go to a special STD room. We will not be joining the UN because there are too many human rights laws. All STD students must wear a sign which states their name, their disease or disease and their symptoms. Steven has appointed Cara as belly dancer, even though she doesn't know how she will learn. Mike will be disposed of because he will undoubtably want to overthrow Steven. Chris is likely disposed of first because Steven and most of the world hate him.

Explanation of Steven

Steven is an all knowing genius. That is the only way you can explain him. He used to be in our band but we kicked him out. We did this before we found out how much a wealth of knowledge he is. This was a big mistake on our part and now we are paying for it.